phoenix9873's space to vent and muse

My mom is now in rehab. I hate it. I feel like I am the best person to take care of my mom. I just don't like the idea of putting her in the care of people that aren't family. Sigh, they are really nice people but I want her home. Everyone says well at least you are getting a break, not..Now I am worrying if she is getting taken care of, because she can't talk. I am praying for her care and I keep telling myself she will be home in 20 days. I will have to tell you one of these days about my husband, besides the fact that he is a reallllly lost individual. Not tonight because with my mom and all, I haven't been keeping up with my school work. So I have several assignments due tomorrow and I haven't even started. I have been very lazy. I am planning a sleepover for the 14th with about 15 kids and adults. I love being a mom. It's the coolest job ever. I love being a soccer mom, baking and all that stuff. Granted I can't do as much at school as I used to but I still do stuff at home for my kids. I think my mom likes it too. It helps keep her spirits up. She loves her grand-kids and they love their nana. So I will cut this short because like I said, I have been putting off my assignments long enough. Godspeed

So, mom had the surgery. She looks like a 150 pound woman, she only weighs 100, soaking wet and holding a dog. The only place they could put an IV was in her neck and foot. Yuk!!!! On a good note, if you can call it that, she is not hurting constantly now. Only when she moves..EWE...Glad all my broken bones, except toes, were when I was younger. Yea, me!! Took the kids to the local swimming hole..Very pretty, very, very, and did I mention very, cold..It is fed by an underground spring. It is fun though, its a park with slides, diving board, playground, food, and bathrooms. Only 2 bucks a person, sweet!!! http://www.jacksoncountyfl.com/bluesprings.html for anyone interested.. Well, I finished my homework tonight and just have my tests to finish for the week..I think I will do that tomorrow while the kids play in the pool. I will say goodnight and godspeed.

K, still no surgery for my mom has pneumonia, so they are giving her antibiotics and want more doctors in the operating room, just in case. Sounds lovely huh? Not...Taking my little one to the doctor today to check her hearing, to see if she needs another operation to bring her heaingr back up to normal again. So I am praying that the lord has healed her enough that she will not need more surgery herself. Not that it's a bad surgery but she remembers it more ever time she has it because she is older and more aware. The first time, she didn't say much because she was just one and a half. The second time she was three and she asked me why I let the doctor hurt her. So here I am praying we don't have to go there again...cause she is five now and I can't imagine how interesting that will be. I went to a revival last night because I felt I would be better off in church praying than sitting at home by myself. I couldn't go to the hospital because of the kids, don't get me wrong, they are good kids but kids and hospital just don't mix. So to church I went, where they could go to children's church and I get to fellowship with others about the lord. I was blessed to keep my mind on him and not my mom. Well that's all for now. Going to have fun with the two hour drive to and from the doctor's office, not to mention the waiting...The waiting rooms should come with beds...LOL

Mom is on morphine and not feeling to much pain. Still no hip surgery until the blood thinner is out of her system. I hate the waiting. Makes me feel antsy. Of course, when I am antsy, the house gets a spring cleaning. What I am is really tired. Have you ever been so tired you couldn't sleep? I am there, my head hurts with tiredness and of course, the ever present allergies. Bedtime doesn't seem to be coming either. Stinks...I also want to do some school work but I have learned, through trial and error, never to try school work or a test, especially a test, when you are even a little tired, much less when I am feeling like a zombie from a bad b movie. I think that is all my rambling tonight anyway...

Where to start today. I guess I will start with early this morning. Can you say 1:00 a.m. For those of you who don't know, my mom suffered a major stroke in September of 2005. Well, last night while transferring from her bed to her wheelchair, she fell and broke her hip. So, hip replacement surgery in the next few days. They have to take her off the blood thinners she takes to not have another stroke to do the surgery. So a few days to a few weeks in the hospital and rehab for her. On a good note the broken hip is on her effected side, so it should not hinder her to badly we hope. Next bit of good news, When I sent my mothers ring off to get fixed. They told me it would be 4 to 6 weeks before it would be back and I would have to pay for the repair as my warranty was out of date, of course. I didn't care I just wanted my ring fixed and back on my finger, because I only take it off to clean it. Well today god gave me a gift, not only do I get the call that my ring is ready, after only a week. It also is free, they didn't charge me. Thank you God. He is good to let me know he is with me in my times of trial. I thank him for both gifts and for taking care of my mom. Lastly, I read alot of other peoples LJ's and never respond for the most part. I just like keeping up on how they are doing even if I don't really know them and I am unlikely to ever meet them. Some are really nice people. Who have lives just like me. Most of these people are not christians and I sometimes have to pick and chose what I want to read but it is my choice. (I am getting somewhere with all this rambling, I promise.) So I am reading Anne's LJ today, and I don't know Anne, just followed a link from some else's LJ, and she is talking about a christian woman's site she visited and left some comments on. She liked this woman's LJ and was just showing her appreciation. Well, this woman follows Anne's link back to her site and decides she doesn't agree or like how Anne is living her life and could she not contaminate (my word not hers) her site ever again because she doesn't want associate with people like Anne. Now, I think this woman gives christians everywhere a bad name. I love everyone, do I like their actions, mostly not. By shunning Anne this woman has lost the ability to show Anne what Jesus is really all about. Anne is in a bad place because she has cancer and I would love for her to know my Jesus but that doesn't mean I am gonna thrust him down her throat. We can only plant the seed, Jesus will do the rest, and by this woman's actions she lost the opportunity to do just that. Makes me sad for that woman and for Anne who got her feelings hurt by someone who was just suppose to show her love. K, I am done ranting about that now.

Well I have found from rereading this journal that I have a lot of theories. lol Anyway, school is going really well and wouldn't you know it, one of my favorite subjects is, business. ..Sometimes I just don't get myself...Which is good for I find so few people get me either. The Lord has been good to me lately, even if I don't understand his ways and would really like to ask for a map sometimes. He knows what he is doing, thank God, even if I don't. My mom seems to be a little clearer in her mind. I don't know if anyone else has been around someone who has had a massive stroke but they are not always the most clear thinking of people. It's kinda like they are in a fog. Well she may still be in that fog but she seem to me like she is sticking her head up more often now. She remembers the past really well but the recent past and her short term memory sucks. I ask her for a fork the other day and she hand me a spoon. Its thing like that, that are frustrating for both of us. She knows alot of stuff but with some stuff its like talking to a 2yr old. I believe in my heart the Lord will heal her and make her whole again. Whatever lesson we are to learn from this needs to taught and received first. Of course I would love the condensed verse myself.lol My girls are good too. My husband is in the hospital with a staff infection. Nasty business apparently, it started on his knee and ran down his leg. The put him in Shands and have been giving him antibiotics by IV. He says he is getting better, so that's good. We have been praying for him. It all we can do for him when he is so far away and I can't leave mom. Both of my best friends have been given an up lifting of faith and it is a blessing to talk to them. Usually its one of us at a time who receives the up lifting but right now we are all being uplifted. It's kinda wild the way we seem to be feeding off each other even though we live so far apart. God is good. I am blessed and I give God all the praise for my blessed life. Well I guess that's enough of my rambling. Til next time, Godspeed...

I am very proud of myself. I Aced a test in ca 1 and finished all my assignments in design and ca. Still have a load of business to wade through and let me tell you, that's gonna be the hardest. It's way dry and I know absolutely nothing about business. Still I aim to get it done.

Well lots to do today

So here is my question from the newby of studying, what makes it easier to study?

Is it music, silence, TV, or what?

What works for you?


Phoenix9873

I have started school. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. More what I didn't know than what really was. Just goes to show, the uncertain scares me...

Kids never do anything they are accused of by a sibling. Even if they are the only one around. That light will never be green when you finally get to it. Sunday drivers, don't know what day it is. There is never enough time or energy to finish everything you need to do. The dryer eats socks but not the bubble gum left in pockets, or the lipstick.... The reason God made kids so cute and small is because they are harder to strangle and hold on to when they are that cute and small. There are days when that gets close to not really mattering though. Hair detangler is not such a great buy but the kids think it works, so who am I to tell them different. You will never go to the bathroom by yourself again when you have kids. You will never get a full nights sleep ever again either. and just think I LOVE being a mother. Best job in the world. Kids are blessings from God that just keep on teaching you that its ok to not be perfect.

I am starting college again. After a 10 year absence. I am 33 yrs old and going back to school. So scared, yup....I have been nothing but a wife and mother for 10 yrs. So student is a new thing for me. I don't have any idea what to expect, or if I can really pull it off. I am going for graphic design, I am thinking maybe not the best thing for me, I don't like people. I can pull off being nice, but it really doesn't mean I like you. I pretty much never mean to anyone, it's not in my make up to be hateful and mean.
I was brought up to be polite and courteous, but it so doesn't mean I like you. I like about 10 people on this earth. I love everyone. Like is a whole different story.. My grandmother said to me one day, you have to like everyone. Not, I told her, I can love someone an not like them.. I told her I love my dad, don't like him, not even a little bit. Man's a psychopath....Lies about everything, so liking is not even an option. Like I was saying, I can be nice to just about anyone, unless the are hurting my children, then I am polite and very protective. Always with the polite..There is just not enough on this earth that I care about to get really upset about. Not money, cars, clothes, stuff...I just don't really care enough to lose my temper or make myself crazy. I think you either get something done about what's bothering you or you get over it. Not to mention most people, and I mean most people, are selfish. They care about me, me, and me, and then they don't even like themselves, so what's for you to like. That's what I think anyway. Well we will see how this college thing goes. It wasn't hard when I went last time but that was last time and ten years ago.

I thought since I was going through the gambit of emotions apparently, I should add happiness in here so people don't think my life sucks...To be honest I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, truth be known. That may seem weird to most people because I am shouldering right now, more than most people do in a lifetime. I have two wonderful kids, I am basically a single parent, since my hubby decided he liked another woman better than his family, sigh, men, and I am taking care of my mom, who had a massive stroke and really should be dead. Like I was saying, even with all that going on, I am happier than I have ever been..I wonder if I am one of those people who needs something to do all the time to be happy and not know it. I mean really, if you would have ask my 6 months ago what made me happiest, I would have told you a good book and a nap. lol. Now, with the help of God, I am happier doing the mom thing, the nurse thing, and I am seriously thinking about going back to school. Like I don't have enough to do..I think I would just like the independence of making my own money. Knowing I could take care of my kids and me without anyone else. We will see. So maybe my happiness comes from taking charge. Who knows...I recommend a shake up every now and then, although I don't recommend the cheating husband for the shake up, go back to school, start a business, or just get out of the house. Life gets stagnant if you just coast along. Happiness may be change. That's my thoughts on it anyway..

You ever feel guilty for something or someone else's problems. Sigh...Makes absolutely no sense to me..Still happens all the time to me. I know someone is upset, I know I could have done something to make it better before they got upset, but its not my job to make everyone else's little world better. How about feeling guilty about not doing something because last time you did it, the person got upset, then when you didn't do it they got upset. Can't win for losing and still feeling guilty for it. Sucks all the way.. I mean I could understand feeling guilty if I purposely did something wrong but to feel guilty over someones reaction to something that has nothing to do with me but I could have changed it by saying something.. Guilt in to many forms. Bad people don't feel guilt but those of us out there trying to live life without purposely hurting someone run around with a whole lot of guilt I think we don't need. Guess that's what makes us not bad people..not really sure any of this made a bit of sense but it's down on paper so to speak..

I am one of those people who doesn't think getting angry over something is progressive to my life. Just makes me mad, raises my blood pressure, stretches my nerves, gives me a headache and the person you are mad at generally doesn't know or care that your angry. So why bother if it's not something you can change. That's my theory on anger anyway. Lately though I find I am holding on to my anger, instead of letting it go. If I told the person I am angry at, they would take what I said and make it about them. That's the kind of person this is. This is one of those people I have to interact with on a daily bases. If not, then I could just stay away from them and this would not be a problem. Life is always easy, not... So now I am not sure what I am angry about. This person I have forgiven, but they act like they did nothing wrong, and sometimes even border on smirking around me. So now, I am not sure if I am still angry with the person, their actions or the whole situation that I can't get away from. All of this self analysis makes me have a headache too. sigh. Well I started this thing to get this stuff off my chest and down on paper. Supposed to make me feel better. I will let you know when that happens, cause so far still have a headache from being mad...